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Literature by lain83

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Submitted on
May 22, 2010
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1.0 KB


68 (who?)
Some say that writers have a gift
To write about the mundane.
To make it beautiful; set thoughts adrift.
But if you'll listen, let me explain
That making beauty is not great;
Especially beauty from pain and hate.

Poets turn love into what it's not;
A devouring monster or sweet peace,
What is love truly? Your scribbled ink-knot?
Reading that sadness grants no release,
And happiness is always so short;
Happiness is many poets' final resort.

Are we the doomed generation?
So many of us are liars by trade…
Can the few poets give an explanation,
Or are we also just liars, unswayed?
Poets fill hearts with a burning desire
To experience passionate things…
Yet a poet might be a glamorous liar
Or just able to feel awe for all life brings;
What I say is probably slander
Against the poets that write with candour.
Each stanza was a seperate poem about the same idea, but I decided to combine them instead of submitting them as such.
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Poetic-Tuesday Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful. :heart:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2011  Student Writer
Thanks so much =)
djinn5454 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2010  Student General Artist
ok so im a moderator at a very small group, and read alot of poetry. alot of slop, alot of beauty, alot of stop and thinkers. oh no awesome one, do not worry about writers with candour, they are liars who dont know they are lying.happiness IS the last resort for most becuae in MY opinion, its not that we see the beauty or horror behind the mundane, it because we see the EVERYTHING behind EVERYTHING, and we see it intensly. thats the difference i believe. a poets soul burns hot and ferocious much to our detriment at times. its how we comeup with what we say, because its the ONLY way to say it and make the dull ones understand. others of an intense disposition relate, the dull one simply stare with wonder and longing. i gave you fave and i havent passed out a fave in months. not that thats an honor to you prolly. good work.
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2010  Student Writer
Thank-you for your thoughts, I found them interesting and I'm glad you took the time to share them. And it is an honour to me that you favourited this poem, I'm always honoured that people think my writings are worth a favourite. Thanks again!
shaboogamoo Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You've revealed our secret!!

but yeah, your right, everythings twisted, made different, more than it is. but at the same time thats the great thing.
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Student Writer
Haha, that made me laugh =D And you are also very right
aerissed22 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2010
you've touch a side of me. 4.9/5 stars. haha :D *love
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks so much! =D
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2010   Writer
Ooh, you aren't half making me think aren't you ;)

Right. Critique number one:

You mention in your comments that this was three separate poems. However, it doesn't seem that way. They join together seamlessly to create one, very well written and epic, piece.

ST 1:
I would end L2 with a full stop instead of the semi-colon and then start L3 with 'to' instead of just make. The 'to' just seems to want to be there.
The comma after 'beautiful' in L3 should be a semi-colon, or you need to add the word 'to' in front of 'set'.
You need some form of punctuation after 'great' (L5) I would go with a semi-colon.
Finally, in the final line, I would say 'beauty out of pain and hate' or 'beauty from pain and hate' as the preposition is incorrect.

ST 2:
Line 2 needs to start with an article, preferably 'a' and it needs to rather end with a full stop than a comma, as you ask a question in the next line which stands alone as a sentence.
In line 3 'forgot' needs to be 'forgotten'. You have changed it to fit the rhyme, thus forcing the rhyme.
If you want to start line 5 with 'and' you need to end line 4 with a comma. Alternately, begin line 5 with 'our'.
Excellent use of the apostrophe in the final line. Many people would have gotten that wrong.

ST 3:
In line 3 there needs to be the article 'an' before explanation
Line 4, I would change 'but' to 'just' and place a comma after 'liars' for emphasis.
In line 5 you are again missing your article 'a burning desire', alternatively, make it plural and leave the article off 'burning desires'
Line 8 'all nothings' makes no sense (except to rhyme - but you are rhyming 'things' with 'things' which isn't technically rhyming. It's like rhyming 'see' with 'sea' - it sounds exactly the same when read out loud). Anyway, 'all nothings' should be 'nothing'
Line 9 'a slander' should be 'slander'. You don't get 'a slander'.
In the final line your meter gets a bit squiffy.

You use your superb grammatical skills and vocabulary to make this piece almost perfect. Your ability to manipulate images and descriptions with punctuation and word choice is amazing.

I would give you 5/5 stars for this.
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2010  Student Writer
I've actually made he changes before I've replied, and edited a couple of lines more completely so they make more sense (I hope) =)

I'm glad that you didn't find much to fault beyond the grammar. It was nice to have someone examine this in a more critical light because I've often felt it wasn't quite up to quality, and a lot of the time people only see how it applies to themselves and don't consider its many faults =D

I think that the only thing you mentioned that I didn't change was the last line, since this poem doesn't really have a metre and I'm lazy ^^ Everything else, however, I think I managed to edit.
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