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Literature by lain83


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Submitted on
May 22, 2010
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2,744
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68 (who?)
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95
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Some say that writers have a gift
To write about the mundane.
To make it beautiful; set thoughts adrift.
But if you'll listen, let me explain
That making beauty is not great;
Especially beauty from pain and hate.

Poets turn love into what it's not;
A devouring monster or sweet peace,
What is love truly? Your scribbled ink-knot?
Reading that sadness grants no release,
And happiness is always so short;
Happiness is many poets' final resort.

Are we the doomed generation?
So many of us are liars by trade…
Can the few poets give an explanation,
Or are we also just liars, unswayed?
Poets fill hearts with a burning desire
To experience passionate things…
Yet a poet might be a glamorous liar
Or just able to feel awe for all life brings;
What I say is probably slander
Against the poets that write with candour.
Each stanza was a seperate poem about the same idea, but I decided to combine them instead of submitting them as such.
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:iconpoetic-tuesday:
Poetic-Tuesday Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful. :heart:
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2011  Student Writer
Thanks so much =)
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:icondjinn5454:
djinn5454 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2010  Student General Artist
ok so im a moderator at a very small group, and read alot of poetry. alot of slop, alot of beauty, alot of stop and thinkers. oh no awesome one, do not worry about writers with candour, they are liars who dont know they are lying.happiness IS the last resort for most becuae in MY opinion, its not that we see the beauty or horror behind the mundane, it because we see the EVERYTHING behind EVERYTHING, and we see it intensly. thats the difference i believe. a poets soul burns hot and ferocious much to our detriment at times. its how we comeup with what we say, because its the ONLY way to say it and make the dull ones understand. others of an intense disposition relate, the dull one simply stare with wonder and longing. i gave you fave and i havent passed out a fave in months. not that thats an honor to you prolly. good work.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2010  Student Writer
Thank-you for your thoughts, I found them interesting and I'm glad you took the time to share them. And it is an honour to me that you favourited this poem, I'm always honoured that people think my writings are worth a favourite. Thanks again!
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:iconshaboogamoo:
shaboogamoo Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
You've revealed our secret!!

but yeah, your right, everythings twisted, made different, more than it is. but at the same time thats the great thing.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Student Writer
Haha, that made me laugh =D And you are also very right
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:iconaerissed22:
aerissed22 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2010
you've touch a side of me. 4.9/5 stars. haha :D *love
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks so much! =D
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2010   Writer
Ooh, you aren't half making me think aren't you ;)

Right. Critique number one:

You mention in your comments that this was three separate poems. However, it doesn't seem that way. They join together seamlessly to create one, very well written and epic, piece.

ST 1:
I would end L2 with a full stop instead of the semi-colon and then start L3 with 'to' instead of just make. The 'to' just seems to want to be there.
The comma after 'beautiful' in L3 should be a semi-colon, or you need to add the word 'to' in front of 'set'.
You need some form of punctuation after 'great' (L5) I would go with a semi-colon.
Finally, in the final line, I would say 'beauty out of pain and hate' or 'beauty from pain and hate' as the preposition is incorrect.

ST 2:
Line 2 needs to start with an article, preferably 'a' and it needs to rather end with a full stop than a comma, as you ask a question in the next line which stands alone as a sentence.
In line 3 'forgot' needs to be 'forgotten'. You have changed it to fit the rhyme, thus forcing the rhyme.
If you want to start line 5 with 'and' you need to end line 4 with a comma. Alternately, begin line 5 with 'our'.
Excellent use of the apostrophe in the final line. Many people would have gotten that wrong.

ST 3:
In line 3 there needs to be the article 'an' before explanation
Line 4, I would change 'but' to 'just' and place a comma after 'liars' for emphasis.
In line 5 you are again missing your article 'a burning desire', alternatively, make it plural and leave the article off 'burning desires'
Line 8 'all nothings' makes no sense (except to rhyme - but you are rhyming 'things' with 'things' which isn't technically rhyming. It's like rhyming 'see' with 'sea' - it sounds exactly the same when read out loud). Anyway, 'all nothings' should be 'nothing'
Line 9 'a slander' should be 'slander'. You don't get 'a slander'.
In the final line your meter gets a bit squiffy.

General:
You use your superb grammatical skills and vocabulary to make this piece almost perfect. Your ability to manipulate images and descriptions with punctuation and word choice is amazing.

Overall:
I would give you 5/5 stars for this.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2010  Student Writer
I've actually made he changes before I've replied, and edited a couple of lines more completely so they make more sense (I hope) =)

I'm glad that you didn't find much to fault beyond the grammar. It was nice to have someone examine this in a more critical light because I've often felt it wasn't quite up to quality, and a lot of the time people only see how it applies to themselves and don't consider its many faults =D

I think that the only thing you mentioned that I didn't change was the last line, since this poem doesn't really have a metre and I'm lazy ^^ Everything else, however, I think I managed to edit.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2010   Writer
Lols, I know it doesn't really have a meter - but because it's a rhyming poem it falls to reason that meter comes in somewhere...and when you get a randomly long, or short, line in the middle of nowhere the reader literally stops as if they have been prodded with a small stun-gun.

However, re-reading it with 'slander' on its own without the article the meter of the final line fits...just, like the poem gained a few pounds and can just squeeze into its favourite jeans, but it fits.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2010  Student Writer
Ah, that's good then, as long as it doesn't spoil it right at the end, haha =)
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:icondistant-and-faded:
Distant-and-Faded Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2010
This really is amazing, :)
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2010  Student Writer
Thank-you =)
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:iconroyalblackheart:
RoyalBlackheart Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2010   Writer
Wow. May I just say that this is stunning. Seriously. Your wording is wonderful and brings out such lovely images. It really adds to the overall character of the piece.
You also have excellent rhythm throughout. c: You should be very proud of this, because it's truly remarkable. I'm left in a state of speechless awe. :heart:
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2010  Student Writer
Wow, thank-you so much for such a detailed comment so full of praise. It means a lot to me =)
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:iconshewroteinblue:
Shewroteinblue Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
this is amazing. And true. But there are still true poets out there who create true art (not pseudoart... I wrote an essay on this so I could go on for ages hehe).
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010  Student Writer
Thank you for the kind words. Could you link me to that essay if it's up here? I'd be interested to read it =)
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:iconshewroteinblue:
Shewroteinblue Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
It isn't available anywhere online :/ but if you are interested I would suggest reading The Mind of the Maker by Dorothy Sayers! Great book, really enlightening about art as well :)
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks for the recommendation then =) I've noticed that the truth and lies in art are a reoccuring theme in the stuff I write
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:iconshewroteinblue:
Shewroteinblue Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Well I wish you luck in your endeavor :) It's a very interesting theme.
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:iconsweetblackrose13:
SweetBlackRose13 Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
"Liars by trade" - I love that. :)
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks very much, I like it too =)
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:iconhalsurfer:
HALsurfer Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
They would work good each for themself but together I think they show even better what you want to tell us.
And yes it is true what you say but I also think that it is the hardest thing to do to describe true love in a poem!
Great work!
=^.^=
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks =) I'm glad you liked that I put them together. It's because I wouldn't want to spam my watchers with tons of short poems, so if they're similar they go together! =D
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:iconhalsurfer:
HALsurfer Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I see.
But I think it is important that they are not only similar but also good working toghether when this is not given you should spam your watchers!
It would be better but here quite unnessecary as I said before.
=^.^=
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2010  Student Writer
Yeah, if they were totally different or in different styles I wouldn't try to pass them off as one poem =D
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:iconhalsurfer:
HALsurfer Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2010  Hobbyist Digital Artist
=^.^=
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:iconicarryyour-heart:
IcarryYour-Heart Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2010
:clap:
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2010  Student Writer
Um.. Thanks a lot =)
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:icontonidreamchaser:
ToniDreamChaser Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010
i like this alot, you have a gift, keep writing for sure :) xx
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks very much, I will do ^^
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:iconsantieltemptress:
SantielTemptress Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010
You have a real talent :) I love your poems, especially this one! It's true, we are liars by trade but we can make beautiful things out of things that might hurt, yes?

:w00t:
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks very much, I'm sincerely flattered =) And that is the question: By making painful things into beautiful poems, are we glorifying them, or are we the only ones being honest?
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:iconsantieltemptress:
SantielTemptress Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010
In a sense we're making them bearable: by changing the pain into beauty we transform it into something endurable.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2010  Student Writer
That's a way of looking at it that I hadn't actually considered =)
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:iconsunnyfunshine:
SunnyFunshine Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
This is fantastic. I know it is awful, but it is a fantastic collection of poems. We're not a doomed generation - it's better to write it than to live it. That's what I tell myself anyway.

And I am a glamorous liar. But there's only two ways to lie.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010  Student Writer
It's strange how I didn't think too much of this when I put it up, but people seem to like it a lot, haha.

You seem more optimistic than me, or maybe just more sure of your place in the world.

Thanks =)
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:iconsunnyfunshine:
SunnyFunshine Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I didn't think much of many of mine when I posted them either.

I have to be optimistic. There is no alternative, and will never be. If I exercise pessimism, I proving him right for every time he has and ever will put me down, every time he corrected me over nothing, and every time he looked at me like I was insane. I'm not sure of myself, I'm just irate that he thought he could get away with all that to his own daughter, angry at her for never doing anything about it. And living well is the best revenge. That and shameless advertising. [I'm finished ranting now, you can come back.]

You're welcome.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2010  Student Writer
I have a... poor relationship with my father. But he's no longer anything to do with me, so he hasn't affected who I am much, aside from my general mistrust of father-figures and stuff.

I used to love being the cynical, pessimistic one. Now I try to be more realistic. Or, better yet, just not care about anything so there's no need to be bleak or hopeful. I get different responses as to whether that's a good thing or not.
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:iconsunnyfunshine:
SunnyFunshine Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
My father is following legal protocol and providing a roof over my head and guilt for things I didn't do until the day I turn eighteen. I have other father figures, I just have to live with this particular one.

There was a time when if I noticed a bad side to a situation I would have beaten myself up about it, because I was a bit sensitive. I never could be pessimistic - it stopped being an option around the time I turned eight because my mother was bedridden and nobody else was planning to make dinner. I'm sure your viewpoint can be a good thing - you'd make a nice peacekeeper.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Student Writer
I'm sorry that you've had to go through that, though it's good that you're still strong despite it. Optimistic people are generally nicer to be around, so your attitude will pay off =)
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:iconsunnyfunshine:
SunnyFunshine Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Aww, thank you!
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Student Writer
Pretty much, yeah. No problem =)
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(1 Reply)
:iconlarroney:
larroney Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010  Student Writer
This reminds me of Wordsworth: 'We poets in our youth begin in gladness/But thereof comes in the end despondency and madness', or something like that.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks for the comment, it's interesting to write about poets, because they're all linked by a powerful thing but otherwise so different =)
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:iconknigh7-0f-l33t:
knigh7-0f-l33t Featured By Owner May 26, 2010
Very nice. I really like it, it puts an interesting spin on the truth.
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:iconavenvia:
Avenvia Featured By Owner May 27, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks very muchly =)
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:iconknigh7-0f-l33t:
knigh7-0f-l33t Featured By Owner May 27, 2010
Anytime.
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:iconart-by-ashley-martin:
Art-By-Ashley-Martin Featured By Owner May 25, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
Amazing! I really enjoyed reading this ^^ :heart::love:
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